dealing with financially irresponsible family members

Again, it is ok in certain circumstances but shopping addictions, gambling, living beyond your means and not giving a care & then guilt tripping your kids into paying for your bills is very selfish. They rarely speak to her (except for my sister who is financially very well off). First off, as a tail end boomer I think financial irresponsibility goes way beyond generational groups. Now my parents are 61 years old. By Alan D. Feller, Esq. Its helped me tremendously to read about other peoples situations. They take other people into consideration, but when they make choices for the wishes of others, they are choosing out of love, not guilt; to advance a good, not to avoid being bad. That goes for friends as well as family members. Im VERY financially independent, thanks to them I had to be. I could not help thinking that $400 could have gone to my partners dental treatment hes been needing for some time :( Their behavior is so puzzling to me because they see us both working extremely hard and barely making ends meet. Husband and I do well so of course now they look at us as their retirement. My brother, sister and I all made it threw college with financial aid, waiting tables, and other jobs that we could get our hands on. Twenty years later my mother is very sick, cant work and her car has died. I can say that up until the age of 15 I enjoyed life (when I wasnt at school) my parents seemed to be financially secure at the time but the house we lived in was rented. The second group presents differently. As a CPA, I have attempted to help them over and over. None of his 9 siblings want anything to do with him and my girlfriend doesnt want him there either. Be the better man. I sure wouldnt. At the same time, she wont accept any conditions on money given to her and goes into raging hysterics when we propose solutions that would force even more modest standards on her or require her to move again. I put myself through school, paid my own rent, and have been independent since age 14, so the idea that my husband and I will have to use our own savings to subsidize her extravagant lifestyle makes my blood boil. Invested and held in stocks it might generate $1,200 a month. Gambling is always a bad idea, and if someone gambles frequently, they don't tend to truly understand the value of money. It's up to you how much money you're willing to pay your relative for their help. In south africa its very difficult for white males to find work so you try to keep what you have. They both work a paper route, my dad works an additional 2 jobs, and my mom works at a grocery store. Now my brother is in a lot of debt and has poor health due to stress and hard work as he hasnt been on a break for the past 5-6 years. My dad is going to get in his old age the same i got in my youth.. That is an ARROGANT and IGNORANT judgment. You, Generation X, are an idiotlolI am a boomer and have NEVER kicked the can down the road and the reason our country is in such dissarray is the GREED in our government and high powered positions where laws do not matter which is why a lot if people are in such predicaments. And probable most of them use hard drugs while traveling abroad, spending immense amounts of money that a tuition fee wouldnt hurt for more than 5 years into their salary they have no right to claim anything! Theyve always provided me what I needed, and have never left me truly missing out. I think that planning for the future is your own problem and not your kids problem. My mom stopped working to stay home long time ago and is clueless. He is well off and helps his father, along with his other siblings. But we did it. I retired early through financial responsibility even with having less than a 6 figure salary. At least 28 states and Puerto Rico have filial responsibility laws that mandate adult children must pay for their parent's basic life needs, should they need it, including nursing home care. There are also financially compromised beneficiaries. You were entitled out of necessity. People are so shallow these days. Once the recession hit they stopped helping me financially and were in trouble of losing their home and filing for bankruptcy. I understand the cultural implications of taking care of your elders, but this should not happen in your 20s and when they are not even 60 years old. 500k for a tiny 2 bed apartment. People think because Im living at home I must have saved loads of money but that couldnt be further from the truth. In fact, that should be down the list of steps you take when confronted with a request for financial assistance. This is my money, I worked for it, Im just being kind to you and it is MY own personal choice to take care of you when I could have put you in one of those dreaded nursing homes. My mother, on the other hand, has absolutely zero in savings. That pressure to fit in at work and build strong relationships can cause you to spend a lot of money that you might not otherwise spend. I did not say DONT help you parents I said try to balance things in life a little. My parents feel entitled, period. If not anything else it will differentiate between them as us. After working gas station jobs and the like in my early 20s trying to save enough to move out on my own my mother just casually asked if I could loan your ma a few thou for a mobile home Whatever! Here are some things that have happened over the years: -Getting several months behind on rent and the landlord calling us to make sure everything is ok -Getting evicted -Unable to open credit cards -Using shady car dealers and loans -Has had to stay with us between eviction and . Both my parents are boomers, I am gen Xr . I suppose they assumed Id be their beast of burden forever. We both have husbands, kids, homes, etc. The financial exploitation of older adults is also known as "financial abuse.". Dont Obsess Over Investment Returns, but you MUST Obsess Over this, The Best & Cheapest Tax Software for 2023, Save Money on Amazon: A List of Amazon Discounts, Promos, & Price Hacks, Get Free 20somethingfinance Newsletter Emails, Only 15% aged 44-54 have over $250,000 saved. Get real and look at the big pic. Youll be paying for a larger house or at least losing the opportunity $$ you could make on the difference you make from selling the larger house and buying a smaller one. You are a complete moron!!!! Or, if you truly want to help (and you can truly afford it), you can simply gift the money, with no expectation of repayment. If she managed to acquire any credit cards here, theyd already be maxed out. Either she starves now or you starve later. Last summer, he showed up on my door step and stayed in my guest room for 8 months (minus a trip to Equador) and was very disrespectful of me personally the whole time he was here. And its growing, and getting a little steadier now too. This can happen in several ways, but the most common routes include a person having a financial epiphany after marriage that isnt shared by the spouse or someone getting married while believing that he or she can change their spouse. I will cook and clean and help my son with a family business. I was too busy with school & had utmost faith she was looking out for her prized son, that i didnt notice the house was overpriced at $600k, now $400k today. What as great about what you experienced? You can help family members find local resources they might not be familiar with, whether its an employment agency, welfare assistance, charities that assist with food, rent or utility bills or similar services or programs that might fit their specific situation. My Dad just drives around buying useless stuff and doesnt even take out the items out of their boxes. (Yeah, Im one of 9I love big familiesbut my parents are extremely smart with their money). My sister is always complaining to me about her money issues. I am young and I make sacrifices and save my money. Look in the mirror, rhen determine WHO is really selfish. To put it bluntly my father left my mother there for a week while he stayed out in hotels and finally got his own apartment then came back to tell me from day 1 he could feel the evil in my house and he would never speak to me or my family again. 3) Turned all my inheritance over to my parents (big damn mistake). Thats the difference here. And my frustration comes from seeing a complete disrespect for this support by not cutting unnecessary items, giving it away as gifts to save face, lack of creative problem solving when it came to accepting a job offer without ideal hours, spending on vacations, gambling it away, and more. I have no plans of continuing to help them out until they can show theyre at least making an effort to be more financially responsible. Dont let yourself get this bad. Hopefully, I can take advantage of various healthcare options such as Medicare and even Medigap insurance plan for them so that my own savings would not be that affected due to their needs. Their destiny, their choice, not your problem. Simply going out with the expensive crowd isnt going to do much to secure your spot at work. Theres nothing wrong with her, she just doesnt want to. im so glad to hear im not the only one but she is hurting my family now and she starts cussing and screaming and doesnt do anything to try to get her life under control. I have done this job for the past 10yrs now and hated every minute of it. I stayed with his good times dad who he loved but who I wanted to leave the entirety of his growing up. They buy the latest gadgets, drive fancy cars. Theyre currently helping pay the bills for a grandparent, and are bitter about it. I am a Christian who believes in honoring parents, grace, and mercy. I personally would take them grocery shopping and help them pick up their meds from the pharmacy, anything more than that can get too intrusive on my family. I dont know for sure, but everything I have seen of my parents spending habits tells me that their lives are just a ticking time bomb. Always laughing and calling my husband a fool because he works 60+ hours a week. Short answer: I will make them work for it. I dont even know how much he owes the government now. My father has lived with me off and on (more on) since he was 50 because he chose not to work and while he was working he saved nothing for retirement. Being a good coworker will secure that spot more than anything else. You love your kid, but you cant pay for her car insurance and groceries forever. Another strategy is to choose social events for yourself that are low-cost and try to meet people there. You are no longer helping your mother in the current situation and it sounds as if its really hurting your family. Creating sub-trusts to ensure education, housing and daily living expenses are paid offers additional security to a family that may suffer from poor financial management. than most. The article mentioned less than 10,000 saved? In less than ten years, all of her money was gone. Aging parents of financially irresponsible children must navigate tricky family dynamics. What can I do to protect the kids? My mother is schizophrenic, she has no savings at all, but lives under government assistance & collects SSI of $771. I wouldnt expect them to do it. She has enough monthly money to meet her needs but she chooses to give what she does have to him and expects us to step in and support her. But at this point Im still paying rent and all of the random bills that show up because shes pathologically incapable of being responsible for herself. Out of effort comes that elusive joy we all seek. Ignoring the problem can make things worse. I have to say no I would not. My parents gave me NOTHING and helped with NOTHING in my life that really matters in terms of finance or in terms of giving me or my brother an advantage. My father lives comfortable, maybe even under his means. This is my worst nightmare. You have people who will ask to borrow money and never repay it. Hell make more money panhandling at Stop & Shop than he would at a real job, at least. Needing support from your parents when you are young is not. He is a high earner (doctor), so was able to hide it from most of the outside world but I saw it destroy first my mother (till she died) and then my step mother. He works still at 73, although he doesnt have too.My Mother-in-law would take my last dime. Don't get dragged down with them or involved in risky business and legal trouble, even if they are family. Ur damn right! @ERHR I can completely relate you having to unlearn lessons. Whats the Best Way to Help a Family Member with a Private Mortgage? I will be there if they need a place to live, but I wont be an open checkbookand with them thats what it is if you give them $. We went on expensive family holidays, my parents always paid for everyone whenever there was an occasion that we were eating at a restaurant etc., they entertained a lot. I see people my age and to think about where they might be without the financial assistance of mommy and daddy and it would would be pretty sad. References. You tell your mom exactly that. nothing. Shes waiting for the money to be given to her from the house being sold. Of course most people would help their parents if they needed help as long as they have not purposely blown their savings. It is a parents job to take care of their children, not abort them, put them up for adoption or abandon them. Its horrible. Despite making a decent livable wage, they continue to live paycheck to paycheck. Its one way to focus your help in an area of clear need. I have a lot of economic problems and I sometimes find myself on the verge of a nervous collapse, so I have taken a step back. He resisted. Gambling is not only a way that people become financially unstable and insecure, but it's also one of the signs that someone is irresponsible and immature when it comes to finances. They have also started asking me when Im going to get married and have children so that youre have someone to take care of you and provide for you when youre old. I guess that shows their intentions for having a child. Scheduled distributions can also be directed by the trust from monthly allowances to annual payments depending on the beneficiarys level of irresponsibility. Years later I am re-reading my post and feel so sad as my Dad since died just over 3 years ago and I would give anything to have him call me for money, at least he would be alive. Now shes 72, in great health but is broke shes mostly always been broke or in debt. At this point, I think they should be institutionalized. my folks have always been responsible. My other aunt and uncles are still trying to figure out how to get her out of the home shes living in rent free (my grandma died 2 year ago). How amazing that this weak tree was able to continue to breathe and live because of your existence. Recently, he was evicted from his loft. My dad been telling all his friends that he doesnt get a dime from me and implied that Im being ungrateful. Sibling financial favoritism destroys relationships between family members. However I am backing away from that at this time because of the strain. How Can I Protect My 401(k)? And, if she doesnt, please reach out to her children and offer them some money lessons so their financial lives are more in control. Other people also get furstrated with them, you cant tell me that the 20 odd people that chased them away all are in humane. I hate it for you. You cant help anyone else until you have helped yourself. For the better of us all. It was good up until age 13 when everything fell down the tubes with daddy going to prison (for the first time). They continue to do the same thing over and over as ling as theres someone there to assist them financially. Her aweful example and my fathers push you out the door, have fun paying for college technique have made me extremely financially independent. Even with that type of communication, however, many children face intense guilt if their parents are struggling financially. Most probably, she may declare bankruptcy and be done with it. Per FTC guidelines, this site may be compensated by companies mentioned through advertising & affiliate partnerships, such as the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, Impact, CJ, Quinstreet, etc. Another parent (parent 2) is not married and has worked as little as possible. we can help but the last thing i want is my mother in law living with us when she gets older. For example, say that you are willing to help them seek treatment or see a counselor. I feel major resentment towards her for her lack of fiscal responsibility. Ever. no retirement or anything. A drastically different view about spending can be something that becomes a major problem in marriage as youre combining your financial lives together (whether you keep accounts separate or not), and drastically different levels of financial responsibility is going to result in some issues down the road. SorryI left something out my parents would not WANT my help to be at an expense that would hurt my childrens college opportunities, or cause us to struggle. My wife and I have a 23,25 year old young men. Except they arent even married anymore and he still takes care of her. Families often struggle just to meet their basic needs. Although she is more responsible now (despite the occasional pedicure; sigh), she still doesnt fully take responsibility for her mistakes or her situation, and often uses guilt to manipulate my sister and me to help her even though we have little extra money (example: If you dont help me, I will live in the gutter, suffer, and die all because you were ungrateful and selfish). Please think rationally before you comment that you would definitley help your parents, thats nice but see how you feel when ypu have to live like i do and lend hundreds and thousands to a couple who just dont care. He will receive the respect I owe him in my manners as his daughter. This is a very sensitive but very good topicI just happen to come across it and thought Id put in my two cents. I am very satisfied by this plan and feel no regrets. They only live in one. You use all these feelings to manage an issue that is based in math. At this point, its hard to have respect for them at all and I fear their family is plagued with this terrible cycle. You should insist on a thorough physical exam including psych testing. Minimum: $5,000 (Include store cards and gas cards). That doesnt mean I dont have friends with expensive tastes. There must be conditions to this. This pisses me off to no end.. From what is on the net it looks like they believe it will get to be a bigger and bigger problem. Dont lend money personally to people. Its stunning to read so many comments from people going through the same thing as me. My husband and I can barely make it on the salaries we have. For the life of me, I cant wrap my head around someone my exs age, who seems to have a sense of entitlement concerning his son paying his rent. What if its your children that are financially irresponsible? My girlfriend has a deadbeat dad in his 50s with nothing to his name. But, we will not blindly give money. Have a Conversation. Id also look into services that they may qualify for and just send them that info if they bug you. I think it depends on what you mean by help. Will I hand my parents money? It was hard. When I was a freshmen in high school my single mother, my brother and I moved in with my grandmother. She pays thei whole house for the full year and her moms medical insurance and monthly groceries which amounts to the above amount mentioned. Economic hardship and financial distress can have devastating effects on families. They just dont have enough money to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner out everyday, shop at expensive grocerey stores etc. I think it would get very very ugly. #shouldve been a more responsible, dedicated, heartfelt, honest, invested parent if you expected me to invest and engage in you in your senior years! Still, it places a real financial burden on the children as they have to deal with the financial demands of their parents while still keeping their own financial ship afloat. Your parents are addicted to money. But in any case I dont think the state should force you to pay for them period. After a lot of thought I came to the following conclusion: My responsibilities are first to my expenses, second to my childrens education, third to securing my own savings for old age, and forth to a few reasonable extras that are my reward for working hard all of my life. A series of unfortunate events led to my parents financial demise from which they never recovered. I so agree with you. I just want to put out a word of warning- even if you know its the right thing to do, it WILL be difficult to tell your fiscally irresponsible/gambler/drinker/addict parent that you wont take them in. I live between my two parents houses. and they just cared about themselves, before ad AFTER they had their kids. But I encourage you to change your focus, which we all can just by doing it. Read Dave Ramsey or something similar if you need a plan. What these people dont realize, is just how much of a burden these situations really are. Your family deserves you to be a happy parent. Offer to help pay for detox and/or rehab, sending payments directly to the facility. I ask myself in the mirror this question everyday. My FIL gave nothing as a father to his son. I live month to month, and refuse to spend on anything but barely surviving, and the rest goes only for my business. When dealing with financially irresponsible parents, you may react strongly with anger, frustration, overwhelm, anxiety, guilt, stress, irritation or a bunch of mixed feelings. They took care of me as a child, their parents took care of them. Once the family realizes that you arent the head of the family, maybe they can try to do something for themselves. Sometimes our feelings and emotional attachments prevent us from honestly acknowledging the difference between a loved one facing a rare financial emergency and one who has become too comfortable with asking you to solve his or her latest money issue. People will be surprised how a lot of homeless people will take off on their own and start getting into their own business and houses. If you can have a healthy money discussion about your differences in spending and can come up with a good strategy that has some compromise in it for both of you, then thats a good sign for your long term relationship. The financial landscape changed, true, but thats not a childs responsibility to figure out, you still chose to have a child, accept the risk that there could be another Great Depression and it will be your job to take care of them. Its challenging to do the right thing, when you simply cant afford it. Thats where Im at now. Have you ever been abandoned? Really? Encouraging our family members in contentment is one way we can help them financially. Then once you are on solid ground youll have plenty to take care of others with. Ignore everything they do and say. They did not pay for my college or any additional support after age 18. (Actually, my parents would be doing OK now except that my adult siblings are still living with them and are almost entirely financially dependent. And I was just a kid, what did I know? my mom is the same way but she has wormed her way into my house for the last 2 years and she is little by little digging my family in to a hole. States with some level of filial responsibility laws (presently and previously) include: Alaska Arkansas California Connecticut Delaware Georgia Idaho Indiana When No One in the Family Wants to Pay Property Taxes, What Can You Do? If you or the elderly person live in a nursing home, contact the Nursing Home Ombudsman (. Avoid it. Are *you* willing to subsidize his mother and siblings at the cost of your own retirement? Seems that many people are in need of it. Why its a problem: Family members and loans are a tricky combination that can create tensions that can last years. My parents moved in with me and instantly became a financial drain. So do i have to go over there and take away her check book? I guess there should be a balance, give money or help without costing yourself and your family. After all, they arent my parents, but when it comes time for them to need financial help, I dont doubt we will be supplying it. You made a lot of sacrifices to earn that money. They owe hundreds of thousands of dollars to family members and friends from the time they owned their business that did not pan out so well. She is in assisted living with 3 meals a day. If it makes your family uncomfortable for them to move in, its not an option period end of discussion. But its been almost a year. Time to love yourself and stop being codependant. Im guessing this one how some people become homeless. Very cruel situation. Hopefully this is a message to aging boomer parents. my parents i would help yes. What do you do when your brother or your niece knock on your door, asking for a loan or some other help? Shes selfish, self absorbed, and completely irresponsible. You need to get her out to protect your family. Even when you need to vent, talk about the positives as much as the negatives. She just kept living the way she wanted and leaching wherever she could. You cant afford that! try something like, Id love to have a new car eventually! Its sad and unfair. Having that old of a child given to us threw off all our financial planning to begin with. Were also not talking about a woman who is 78. This article has been viewed 86,869 times. Making someone pay anothers debts is also a violation of 5th Amendment private propery rights. Its hard to be okay supporting people who dont want to face reality, and treat your loved one like an ATM. I know that telling my father No is the best thing we can do for a long-time gambling addict that has been given dozens of 2nd chances by friends & family, and fudged them all up to the point that no one is willing to help any longer. It can be so hard though when they are your family and you love them and dont want to see them suffer. its my parents were that irresponsible ,.let Medicaid take care of them. I refuse to continue to enable irresponsibility at a cost to my own immediate familys security!

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