how to hold a narcissist accountable

Stop letting them slide with their bad behavior. I hope and pray a good guy will come along for her I just asked him via text after four years of love and devotion is he willing to give it all up for one moment of truth? Whatever you do you need to make sure you are safe. Its hard to know the right steps to heal oneself and have taken many wrong turns in this regard. I was slapped, hit, kicked, bitten, told that I was not a man and it was all my fault for her behaving in such a manner. I love him deeply to this day. With regards to your response #31, to Renee. He never leaves them unattended and puts so much pressure on them not to want to see me. It is ironic but the more you tell these people you care and are concerned about him the more likely they will be to side with you. The means of asking for money at the very last minute, the lack of initiate to look for work, and his explosiveness and blaming when he does not receive money he asks for; has now led me very strongly to believe he is narcissist. Id like to thank you for your work. them, promoting a sturdy stance for (empathically) holding the narcissist accountable. The narcissist needs for you to fight back because then you are the one who lost control. The stress of this is hard and I have known him for a long time. Stand up and say sorry I cant be with someone who does these things and get out of the relationship the first time it happens! Medical people are not asking me ..are you under some kind of stress? It is down to only about 50% of the time being the disordered personality. !He shows no remorse,money is his God'(he grew up very poor)I undestand that and that it wasnt his fault.He is very verbally and emotionally abusive,to the point that I cant describe the hurt and humiliation.What u r saying Kim abt bringing a third party in wld make him laugh.He has called the police on me and turned the whole issue around so I got no help there.Ive been to counselling,healing all on my own cos he refuses to go cos theres nothing wrong with him.He is very,very crude and says as a married man he has his rights and if a wife dsnt have sex(never make love)with her husband he has to go looking elsewhere for it.He cuts me to the quick with his slander,always belittling me and constantly puts me down.He referss to me in company as the thing or the wife.I know pple think and look at me like Im crazy and its becoming embarrasing to tell them cos its like going around in circles.Also,he is such a nice guy,pple think he is wonderful and I am looked at as the miserable bitch(excuse the language)that he puts up with.Sadly he has been my one and only love.PPle say leave him and move onbut,move on to whatat my age and stage in life it isnt easy.And yes I love him and do know there is so much good in him. Ive become a new strong women and he has become a new man. He tells me in a text later that night after Id told to drink concrete and harden up. I dont think the answer to the question of rape is simple. I dont change easily, to say the least, but, I always enjoy what you teach. I understand the need of getting these things off your chest. I then drove 11 hrs to see you, and while there you had your car the entire time and I found out that your brother wasnt even working. We have to stop becoming fuel for these types of people. I thought this would be easier than the long, drawn out emotional battles with me trying to get him to be accountable in our relationship. He will do anything to keep his fear a secret. 18 'Habits' of People Who Grew Up With Narcissistic Parents yes he already was in contact with another woman whilst I still was with him, he was on dating sites and I have learned; to him I was nothing but a narcissistic extension. This keeps the people that are suing him, unable to take his business.Im scared to death to put my name on a business that he has any control over! Kim first let me say thank you for being the only voice that says it is possible to stay with a Narc I ordered Back from the Looking Glass I was hiding it as I was reading it but he found it and boy was he livid to put it mildly after being subjected to a horrible rage episode I put it down for a while and felt a bit hopelessIll spare you all the gory details weve all heard them before but my breaking point came when he put my son out (who suffers from depression) and I told him I would be leaving also but that I would come back on weekends I just needed to be able to think clearly while not being subjected to his tyranny under the same roof with him everyday. I am also feeling at fault because I would always push him away when it came to affection/sex. 14 Reasons Why Two Narcissists Often Fall in Love - Power of Positivity We had so many issues it was simply not funny. Anyones behaviour can seem selfish, irresponsible and mean if it isnt what the other person thinks it should be. Very subtle and not the sort that you can bring others in on. His response is that he does not need to tell us whether or not he has moved on, while hurting the ones that love him because not care that he who calls us his family, is feeling this change in him, and yet he refuses to explain. 5 Stay calm when they try to upset you. Thank you to all the people who have made comment on this site, it sure has opened my eyes. Thankfully, I can now see the forest for the trees and can see his manipluation and deceit for what they are. He goes overboard with some of this stuff. He still works very closely with the woman he had an affair with for two years and I need that relationship ended even if it isnt an affair I feel it is still too close and too much Identifying it has helped me work on myself self esteem, coping methods, etc. Hi Kim, Ive had to learn to detach rather than focus on atttachment. These people arent logical. Then, after he left, I was right out of my mind, and nasty, until I started getting some help. I cannot imagine doing such things to our children. This is hell. After his death i met a nother man, also with some npd behaviour. The lack of sleep weakens me and the ups/downs instability , paranoid state he was in with aderall I was miserable I could take him it was a life not worth living. I say he suffers though of course he wont ever admit it. Like I said, I have been firm with establishing boundaries for myself in a calm and non-confrontational but stern manner, but he continues to violate them and refuses to speak to me. Will he ever understand what he did was wrong? No wonder I could not communicate with my husband! At this point, I think it may be best (for me, likely him too) to stay away and do nothing or resolve the legal aspect. Till I got my papers he was supposed to pay spousal support, court ordered. But I wasnt trusting his intentions. So I have learned that it is best to let true Narcissist alone, especially those that have untreated and unrecognized borderline along with the condition. During our twenty-eight years of marriage, my husbands manipulation has been very successful in keeping me from many relationships including family, both mine and his. My guess is that he may be hiding credit cards you dont know about and is struggling to meet the repayments. My problem is as much as we want to move on, we cant because he wont stop contacting us, harassing myself and the kids and we have no protection. What percentage of females. I respect peoples choice to try to fix it, but more so i truelly feel you will be further dissapointed and utterly devestated dealing with these idiotic individuals. He cant sustain connection for any consistent amount of time. You will find loads of advice and support in the articles here and also my ebooks (-: Thank you for your article. I do admit that I pushed too hard. Everything is my fault. Cuz hes made himself King? He argued beyond belief, way past any reasonable amount of time to state a point. We have been online helping couplesfor over 8 years and hope we can help. It makes me feel good and yet its a fantasy that hes interested in anything I have to say since not one single word of response. The thinh that is scary is that he wants big money and power. Do You Know The 10 Ways Narcissists Take Control - Reach Out Recovery Dear Michelle, (Comment 48) Its all a work In progress for me but its starting to calm things in my home and keeping myself calm already. Getting my narcissist significant other to be accountable will never happen. But when I wasnt getting what he said he got totally and completely frustrated with me, said he didnt have time for this crap in his day so I offered to call her back and handle it and he refused said he would call. Do I just let go of this since it is the past? 3) You wanted to clean up your credit and had a car repo on it. If you want to reconnect with him and hes willing, its is going to take more work on your part than you ever imagined anybody should do for another. If anyone knows what resources will be of help to me, please let me know. Hi Rose Boundaries should always be set with action not words. 1 Narcissistic personality disorder is marked by grandiose thinking, inflated sense of ego, lack of empathy and a need to be admired by all. If you try to hold the narcissist to account for something they've done, they will totally stonewall you as punishment for having the audacity to point out such a flaw. Do what you can do and stop worrying about the rest, above all stop blaming yourself ! I just wanted have a lil peace so I couldnt go up against him and hold him accountable to much. The person that I speak of is the worse case of spiritual soul sickness that I have ever encountered in my nearly 60 years of life and nothing that anyone does can do anything more than put up with for a time until in the end, she gets worse than she was when she was the worse the last time. No wonder that in his eyes I have been a perfect pushover. I am so grateful for all the support I have received here in the USA and looking forward to passing on strength, compassion and support. It means that someone needs to read your post before it is displayed that is usually me but not always if I am busy (-: We do that to make sure abusive comments are kept off this blog and that this is a safe place! My learned behaviour has been over many decades so will take time but recognise also that incremental change is sustainable, so am comforted by this. He left me to clean up the problems (getting myself released etc). 6 Walk away while they're talking. Mostly, nothing changed in the future, but I felt better (which of course, is another topic!) But I had disintegrated to such a point I had no fight or self belief left and ended up HAVING to leave suffocating and drowning in his dispair and the financial situation that we had as he would not work and earn. He was smart knew the language to make him look sincere.and maybe a piece of him wanted to be. How To Break Up With Someone Toxic/Narcissistic Safely - And Never Look We have two terrific kids. That way I dont react if he adversely reacts. If you ever disagree with a narcissist, want something different, or challenge them in any way, expect a word salad. I lost my job (third timeIm in sales) and times have been rough the last 9 months or so. He is about to deploy and so we do need to discuss and make decisions on how we are going to handle things while he is gone but he wont make a decision and wants to fight instead so he can avoid the subject everytime. I have been reading your articles for about a year now. Can a Narcissist Change for Love? - Marriage Also I cant go to his employeer, we are not married. I still love this man. They have to learn the life lessons on their own, no more hiding the family secrets. Nar need to see that they have to own what they have done and live through the consequences. When you have someone who repeatedly lies to you, who frequently doesn't care about your feelings or how their actions hurt you, who cheats on youthis is where we have to come in and make them accountable because they're not going to do it on their own. He does have a unique bond with children in that they adore him, and I wonder if there are other partners of narcissist that have witnessed similiar bonds with children? I pray my own daughter never marry a man like. You asked me to lend you the money to pay it off knowing that I made some money on the sale of my house, granted I did not have a new job yet after leaving my old one to move and am a single mom of two. You can also be ready to say to him that he should also know if he breaks into your house again or damages anything you own you will be reporting that immediately. A lot of friends think he is amazing although a lot of friends see through him now. I believe you are on the right track, Ive been married to my N husband for 29 years. Rather than playing teacher, judge and jury or mother superior instead try some grit with a dash of humility while setting boundaries . Whats the answer? I have had to do a lot of work on myself to stay balanced in this relationship and understand its worth. Whenever we are growing closer, he will try and start a fight about nothing, just to give himself permission to get away and blaming me for it. I do know he does not have credit cards because he just filed bankruptcy. If i was a cheating, lying, deceitful, manipulative, coniving snake.. i doubt id ever want to take a good look at myself. I do not feel the passion/excitement I did when he was abusing me and I was hoping he loved me after all.. and would eventually wake up..and see the error of his hatefulness. A few weeks later you bought a new one and called my daughter and me over and told us what you did and that you wanted to FIX it and asked her to put it on me. I did fall into withdrawing from him when it started to fail and now recognize that this may have been due to my own inability to love/TRUSTand my way of trying to yield a different result (aka control?) 12 Amber Lives in Leeds, West Yorkshire, UK Author has 78 answers and 30.8K answer views 2 y Related It is great that you understand boundary setting so well. We had a huge fight the other night have not really spoken in 3 days. And of course its all my fault! I am Liberal thinking person and positive too until I get around her and her negativity!She is constantly pointing out my shortcoming while I reserve my feelings about her shortcomings.. its as if she is talking me out of our relationship! Thanks for your counseling and sharing. The only thing thats good about these types, is getting rid of them, knowing throughout their life, everyone else will dispise them too, sooner or later. You were lucky. Sep 3 In my early days with my partner, if I worked really hard(!) In the case of a one off event I believe that yes the person should be held accountable preferably by a court of law. Right now Im in therapy and EMDR is being used to help heal old wounds but in the process hes creating more. What do you guys/girls think? For years I was unwilling for those kind of things to happen, he was accountable he did not do the blaming thing. Mine was in the beginning, then less and then gone. I know that it is true by the company thst he keeps. I met my friend over 30 years ago. I have been a believer and customer of yours for several years now. Weve been together 7 years. Its hard to give up on a man who has saved you in waysand who you know deep down, he is a good manbut his fear keeps him from being able to create real intimacy, and build on a relationship based on trust and honesty. I am sure you did all you could and I am sorry that you feel so angry and disappointed I hope that understanding and time brings you healing. Its hard to grasp how this man that professed his love so earnestly and regularly could turn this fast! One has treatable BIpolar the other ver narcissistic personality traits. I think the boss may be annoyed with him now because he is always finding stuff wrong no one else does hence making others look bad, hes been given some questionable stuff to do that I actually wondered if the boss is setting him up for failure. This is why we highlight the need for action. Im already doing that. There is absolutely no redeeming qualities about a person who has a blaming spirit and thinks that everyone else is the problem. The fact that Im still doing the same thing with someone who isnt at all interested shows me that even if I met someone new, I dont know if I can try your suggestions. Dear Kim, I have the book and the workbook and have been working on it. After lots of advice I have had to step back and watch as my boys grow and mature (2.5yrs so far). Eventually he began to say that he couldnt say one word with there being an issue. This creates an environment in which the narcissist is never held accountable and paves the way for the narcissist to escalate and become increasingly destructive. Should I stop saving him by having sex with him when I dont feel like it because of his behavior? It does hurt tremedously though because I do love him and wanted to marry him one day. My husband appears to have pretty strong values, actually, around sexual behavior ie I dont expect that hed easily cheat. 2. Your materials and tips were and are instrumental in my change from complete co-dependency and despondance to feeling stronger and communicating clearly. Is it an NPD thing that they dont do phone calls? He doesnt qualify to ge a divorce. Making a narcissist accountable can result in them putting more effort into protecting themselves at the cost of everyone around them. 7 Tactics Narcissists Use to Escape Responsibility - Psych Central His favorite statement is, No one listens to me. Right this second I am so angry more angry probobly than ever in my life at him over what appears to be infidelity and porn and him always blaming others for what he does wrong.. How much can a person swallow and stroke anothers ego before it is just too much! Said it was a hurt beyond which I could ever know! Tanya and Genelle, My story is the same too :/. He is controlling, a bully, very verbally abusive, calls me every name he can think of, ignores me, lives in a constant disordered mess, hates everyone, is never wrong himself,has pychotic episodes (scary) lays blame on anyone but himself etc etc. I was completely on my own and I was devistated. Learning to spot non productive conversations and end them before they begin is vital. _ I find that most people suffering from codependence are Chronically ill. Hi my friend is the love if my life,but i know without a doubt that he is nsrcussistu. I ask myself, how can I love a person so cruel? regards It is really unbelievable what they put you through. (5) he is slandering mehe makes up stuff thats not true and he decides its fact-he maintains that I have cheated on him, tells me daily(I have seen him text that to his parentsso he is spreading lies about me. Leverage: "There must be a meaningful consequence to bring the narcissist into therapy, like the fear of losing a loved one who has 'had it,' the threat of losing their job, or their status." 2. Narcissists can be great at making fictional plans for the future, and never following through on their promises. When I was in Grad school, the therapists teaching the classes on Child Therapy would say to ignore a childs bad behavior and eventually it would be extinguished. On these and other specific grounds Divorce is accepted by the Catholic Church via State Law, and Catholicism is one of the strictest religions. They have been so helpful! Or there may be situations where there is nothing to say you simply need to stop protecting them. You Hold Them Accountable. Its going to cost him a whole lot more when he moves out and has to pay someone to live somewhere else. Frequently they resort to name calling and belittling to assert dominance over the other person. Clever eh. Keep in mind that you earn more than I do and that I am raising two children. When he recently visited while I was putting bubs to sleep (after a month of serious sleep deprivation which Id been trying to pull some consideration or support from him with)he goes to sleep as soon as he arrives as hes had such a hard day.every day is hard in his world, he does to his credit go over the top. Thankfully I know that he didnt reject me because of who I am but discarded me because of who he is! I still cant bring myself to hate her, because I understand how her having this problem is probably not her own doing but that of her parent/s.. This is called domestic violence. What are they gonna do? Though, in reality I dont really believe this will truely ever happen. Id love to hear more about this. He HAS improved, but his basic method of interaction is still unempathetic bullying, put-downs, anger, outbursts, only occasionally considering my needs and concerns, and not being accountable for the little things in life. 7 Be leery of future love bombing. She loves me for a mattervof time, its all good, but then hates next, the patterns are the same, im close to divorseN her, almost went to family courts, just to set the boundaries the she refuses to have.. And priorites.its 6 years yesterday, I mean, shes in and then out of my life, the love of my life ..yall pray for me Pray for us. Dear Kim Avery, I am so sorry for what you are going thru.. it breaks my heart! I sit here feeling alone, empty, worn outas usual, he was in his funk, I was invisible most of the time to him, his excuse is his job issues(once again). Because he was ashamed of his failure it was easy for him to be quiet because really he didnt know what to say anyway. Kim, thank you for taking a leadership role and sharing with us what worked for you! Then the row would be about him trying to leave not about the original subject which was over and done with already. I couldnt do it for him, it had to come to him. Im going out for a sandwich and coffee. Its not easy, but that is how the trust grows. Sure, I back-slid some, but mostly I made forward progress. Let him ignore you, set your boundry and just walk off. Me feeling of hurt on emotionally not feeling special. I wish my thinking was as clear as yours, but its not. When I ask him about his resistance he replies that hes he scared. He has drained it! He is unwilling to change I have tried to work it our for my kids sake hes a good dad Just a lousy husband or even friend to me and I will be the bad guy if I divorce him because no one sees it or wants to. I thank you Kim for all of your words and information. My sister is a NPD. But this seems a weak boundary to me because I cant see when the line is crossed. I do feel relief in at least knowing there is a reason why he does what he does, but how do I heal our relationship? Just because I slip up once, or multiple times, does not mean that I am required to continue the permissive, unhealthy behavior. I tried to help someone that I thought I cared about every day for a year and in the end, I ended up trying to hold on to her to the point where she consciously decided she would blatantly lie to the police about any contact, even coincidental, which resulted in me being arrested for STALKING her even though my contacts with her consisted of 5 phone calls none of which consisted of anything but the question why? You must understand that Ive no family support to help me raise my 11 year old daughter and my family live in Oz, so this was a real blow to me Something snapped and I thought Right Im moving on. If so, what was his incentive? I love him, I love my daughter and need to protect her, and I know there is a good man in therebut as long as he sits on both sides of the fence, we will continue to long for the real family that he is not sure he wants to be. I would really appreciate any input. He can have what he calls a bad day or two a week where I suddenly become his punching bag and then when I say hey, dont talk to me like that, he tells me how I brought it on and how I dont have any clue what he goes through at work etcyet he says he loves his job and wants to give his best!?!? He expects respect. How can you prevent this person raping you again? Back From the Looking Glass may be important if he returns and the fighting starts again. What do I do about the kids? They sound like clear boundaries you can put in place while helping yourself(sorry if I have missed or misunderstood something in your previous comments). Ana. Again be matter of fact and say that you are concerned that they understand how serious this is and deal responsibly with how dangerous his behaviour has become. Well I read almost everyones comments and I am glad I am not alone. This is a very volatile situation and you need to sort through it but also to take care. Go figure) Well we have been arguing for months now about the fact that he wants to Do this together but he wont make any decisions as to the details of doing it together financially and we end up fighting every time we talk about it. 2 Say "no" when they ask for favors. Remember its ok to be alone and in these cases its better to be alone. Just as long as I stick to my boundaries. How to Disarm a Narcissist (and Make Them a Bit More Tolerable) I did this wrong more than once before, I wanted to leave him four times already out of anger, out of fear and just in the heat of the moment, when we were arguing. Narcissists view themselves with a "higher than thou" attitude, where they believe they are more special and deserving of things than others. This is indeed, a difficult road to travel. And yet she believes there is nothing wrong with her and still blames me for causing her behaviour. Hi Kim. You then threw in my face later Well I had to borrow the money from you so I could buy YOU and YOUR kids Christmas presents. You need to find a way to track his double life (without obsessing about it) and practice a repertoire of comeback lines for when he tries to bait you like this. I work on myself to cope with that . Of course he lied about what he was up to. I know to use more than just a paper towel and water to clean this up so it doesnt smell and is disinfected, but he knows better. But wanted me to stay with him!!! They strike back hard to try to save their own self or credibility. He wants him to be loved under all the pain my friend feels. The saddest part is to deal with our son who copies his father, takes no responsibilty for his own behaviour and impossible to reason with most of the time. How Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome Triggers Financial PTSD After a vew weeks he hit the wall just next to my head. Am I supposed to live a life of unhappiness till the kids graduate and pray he doesnt completely f*** them up in the mean time? I categorize the severity of it by saying what percent of the time he is like this. Ohhh my God- I wish I had found this website and this article in the early stages of my marriage. Thanks for listening, and thanks Kim for continuing to keep this subject alive with informative articles and discussions. Hi Kate That is a great question. It will serve as a reminder that you too are in control of things. I am done beating my head into a wall. It is a lesson that no one needs to learn through experience when they can simply and with much less emotional and spiritual costs, avoid EVER having to confront. It was days later that I discovered the truth after he got drunk and sent me my pics in a textsbut he of course had no idea how he got my pics??!!! The promise was that if at some point either of us move on and leave, we need to let the other person know becomes it significant impacts my daughter who loves this man like her own father, and is the only father she has ever really known. You may find help there. The very first time my friend yelled at me, I have never known such fear in my life of another person. Relation was ok, he has done many things which I know now were just leading up to hell. How does one stay true themselves, their daughter and the man they love, while N is determined to destroy the love of a family he so wanted and created, without hurting everyone, and still finding a way to mend what is so very broken? Keeping rapport at the same time as setting boundaries is tough but a balancing act that helps a person become a better leader for sure! Love yourselves enough to cut your losses. I still get called swear names you are a selfish bitch !!!